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After Sandy and Courtney listened to my numerous stories about the women I’ve dealt with over the years—the ones I’ve tried to save, the ones who drove me batty and the ones I never fully acknowledged—they came to the conclusion that I’m emotionally unavailable.
If true, then on top of my admitted savior’s complex and possible abandonment issues (thanx, pops) now I’m being told that I may be emotionally unavailable?
Great!
They also felt I use work and my admitted workaholism as a crutch to further my emotional unavailability.
Super
No one wants to hear such things about themselves, no matter how true or far-fetched. I pleaded my case to the opposite, but it was all in vain.
My argument of me working towards my future to make something of myself and providing stability to a future family was voided.
My argument of working two demanding jobs where I have dozens of responsibilities that make my schedule hectic was voided.
My argument of just having too much going on to fit a relationship into my world right now was voided.
Each and every one of my feeble attempts of justifying my alleged emotional unavailability was systematically voided.
I was told that if I really wanted a relationship or truly liked someone I would miraculously find the time.
Well… Sandy and Courtney might be right.
In the past I’ve seen myself find time at the last minute for a sister I was really checking for. But, if I was only mildly interested, or not really interested at all, my attitude was more like, “I’ll see you when my schedule permits.”
Now, this isn’t a black and white pattern that I follow 100-percent of the time, but it’s been enough times to spark a trend. There have been plenty of women that I do want to spend time with and get to know, but things often come up both work-wise and personally that keep me from doing so as much as I would like.
So it’s not like every time I can’t set a specific date to hang out it’s me being dismissive, it’s just that I really do have a hectic schedule and some times duty calls—often. But there’s always time for things your heart truly desires. Unfortunately, a solid future is what I desire most and sometimes the women in my life wind up playing second fiddle.
Sandy and Courtney also told me that I oftentimes don’t give women clear-cut signals. I’m indifferent. I’m neutral. I’m not pressed and that tends to come off as hard to read. So a woman that might be interested in me never knows if I’m mutually interested and are left guessing.
They usually think I’m not that into them when in fact I am (or not) and wind up backing off to pursue more viable options. It’s a tricky game of cat and mouse that neither wants to play, but we end up playing by default.
Not sure when or if I’ll get over my interpersonal shyness, but I’m working on it. But for the meantime, as messed up as it may sound, I find myself just going with the flow at times.
I can concede to some parts of Sandy and Courtney’s analysis. I admit that I’m not an aggressive dude when it comes to females. I see guys hawking at girls on the street all the time and I don’t want to be one of “those dudes.” I certainly don’t want to be perceived as one of them by constantly hollerin’ at chicks on the street, train, club or wherever else it is dudes holla.
Instead I sit quiet and don’t say a word; but a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, right? So maybe the shambles that is my haphazard love life is my own damn fault. Maybe it’s time to add a little aggressiveness to the equation.
But back to the primary question at hand: Am I emotionally unavailable?
Honestly, I’ll say yes… and no.
I’m sure most people who read my blogs regularly would say I appear to be in tune with my emotions quite well, and would check off the yay box. However, I know enough about myself to admit that I’ve not usually as emotionally open in my romantic relationships (mostly the wrong relationships). So more than a few exs would proudly check the nay box.
I think it all comes down to the chemistry between me and a particular woman. If there’s that spark that that attracts me, my emotional outpour is likely to be higher. But if that vital piece of the equation is missing, my emotions are more likely to be unavailable because I don’t want to lead anyone on or give off the wrong idea.
I end up becoming indifferent. Neutral. Not pressed and that tends to come off as hard to read.
That’s not to say that I’m not interested at all and don’t enjoy the person’s company, it’s just that sometimes people want and need two different things. Not sure if that makes me sound like an asshole or a dick, but the older I get, I’ve decided that I’d much rather be honest with someone than to lie or hurt them. At the end of the day you gotta respect or, at least, appreciate that.
This revelation/confession maybe putting too many of my cards on the table and mess up my romance quota in the foreseeable future, but this is part of my self-analysis. This is part of who I am and the person I am discovering.
The truth of the matter is; I’m a complex individual. I’m a driven individual. For better or worse, I don’t have a problem scarifying small things for the sake of the bigger picture. In my world, the ends justify the means. That line of thinking may make me “successful” in some regards, but eventually I have to find a balance.
I have to do more than just KNOW that I can’t save everyone, fix every problem or carry the world on my shoulders, only to fall right back into the same trap. I need to except, absorb and commit to the fact that those things are out of my control and just move the hell on…
I hope that one day I can find the perfect woman that understands/respects my goal-oriented nature and at the same time, has that special spark that makes me want to forget about work. Well, at least for a little while anyway…
Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable? Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships? How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read? Do you think that people play too many games when it comes to dating? Do you believe that busy people make time for things they really want to do? What do you think of my second self-analysis?
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