The Arrogance of Men: Why We Walk Away from Love

A friend asked me a simple question not too long ago. “Why didn’t you marry [name redacted]?” I didn’t have a good answer. Don’t get me wrong, the girl he was referring to wasn’t perfect. In fact, she was far from it – but I did Love her, a lot. I’ve come to realize I still do. More than likely, I always will. So, why didn’t I marry her? Or any number of other perfectly good, marriage worthy women over the years? I thought about this for a long time and I realized it’s because I am arrogant when it comes to Love.
I’ve only been in a handful of serious, committed relationships. I’ve considered marrying an even smaller group of those women but when the time comes for me to “put a ring on it” I always find reasons not to, perhaps excuses is a better word. I think my exes would prefer excuses.

“It’s me not you, the timing isn’t right, I’m not ready for that type of commitment…”

There’s always something stopping me. I thought I had perfectly logical reasons for not committing, and to a degree I did, but I have come to realize that the main thing stopping me from committing to any one of these perfectly good women is an underlying and equally undeniable arrogance. What is that arrogance? My ace in the hole? My greatest fall back of all fall backs?
The belief that I can and will fall in Love at a time and place of my choosing.
This means no matter how deep in Love I am, how good these women made me feel, how near-perfect the relationship seemed, if the timing wasn’t right – and it hasn’t been – I always believed that if we didn’t work out I would be able to fall in Love again. In other words, my ultimate back-up plan is the belief that, if necessary, I will be able to recreate the Love we built with another woman.
Whether I’m right or wrong, perception is reality. I have created, quite possibly, a false sense of security. In my arrogance, I have essentially convinced myself that I can fall in Love when it is convenient for me to do so. As if I can snap my fingers and Love will come beckoning when I’m ready for Her, despite the fact that I did not submit when She was ready for me.
I didn’t pull this belief out of thin air. A portion of falling in Love, for me anyway, is the decision to allow myself to fall. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes I fall in Love unexpectedly. Other times I’m in Love and I don’t even realize it. Most women will refute all of this by saying, “You just haven’t met the right woman, yet.” That may be true but I doubt it.
Switching back to reality, I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t believe there is one woman out there for me. In fact, I believe there are a number of woman, quite possibly limitless, that I would, at minimum, be compatible with. Therefore, I am not searching for ‘The One’ more than I need to meet A Good One, when the time is right. Who knows, I could be wrong. I could get up from writing this very blog and run into a girl in the stairwell, our eyes lock, and I feel the overwhelming need to marry her.
However, when I look back at the relationships that came the closest to becoming engagements, I realize they had one common denominator in their failure to reach the altar, me. I know what I would like to accomplish as a man – a single man in this instance – before I take a wife. This is not to say I will accomplish everything on the list. Although, I am closer than I have ever been before.
While I agree with this logic, I don’t see marriage as the end all be all. I have goals that I would like to accomplish as a man, as an individual and I imagine I will have different goals I will want to accomplish as a man, as a husband, as a couple. It is not to say the two won’t have areas that overlap but for the most part, they are completely separate. I would not ask or even expect a woman to wait for me to finish list number one (single WIM) before moving on to list number two (married WIM), especially without a guarantee (such as a ring) that they will be a part of the period of life covered in list number two.
In practice, most of the women eventually left – some of which I still talk to as friends – out of frustration. They gave up and I don’t blame them. It’s not that we didn’t have the same goals. We had the same goals but on different timelines.
I  have essentially taken a chance on passing up current Love in pursuit of current goals in the belief that there will be an opportunity for future Love, when I choose, not when it is dictated to me because it coincides with someone else’s life plan other than my own. For myself – and men like me – we are clearly hedging our bets, which begets the obvious question:

But what if we’re wrong?