Name Brand Purses and women

I avoid approaching women carrying name brand purses. Let me rephrase, if at all possible, I avoid approaching women carrying name brand purses. This means if I see two equally attractive women or even if one woman is more attractive than the other but one is holding a name brand purse and the other is not, I will approach the purse-less woman.
While I know a number of women are already offended, this is not an attack on women who like name brand purses. I don’t know you like that. I feel like my preference is no different than women who prefer taller men. There is nothing wrong with short men (I think) you just prefer to date taller men. The whole point of having preferences is to discriminate based on what are often superficial attributes that over the years you have grown to prefer or learned to avoid. Such is life. Contrary to your kids’ summer sports leagues where everyone gets a trophy, in real life, we can’t all be winners.
Due to a couple personal experiences in my lifetime, I am a little bit  more money conscious than the average man. It’s not that I can’t afford nice things, I can. I make what I would describe as decent money. I’m not rich. I’m not poor. I, however, have learned to know my limitations when it comes to the women I date.
Back in the day,  I know of a friend  who was often the best-dressed guy in the club. Unfortunately, he was often the brokest guy in the club, too. he  looked good as hell but if you wanted him to buy you a drink – which he didn’t do anyway but let’s say he did – you would have been s*** out of luck. he was living check to check, yet he was always able to find enough money to get into the club with a brand new outfit. His priorities were messed up and he wasn’t alone; so were those of the women he dated. Too often, the two were more concerned with looking like we had money than actually accumulating money. We felt overwhelmingly compelled to look rich instead of trying to be rich. Technically, there is nothing wrong with this life style.
But, it is not the life for me
I still spend my money on frivolous items from time to time but I am a lot more financially aware than then. I am also far more concerned with reality rather than perception. I prefer to have money than look like I have money.
As such, I have grown to avoid the name brand purse carrying women of the world. In my experience, a good percentage of these women are more concerned with living the lifestyle of my former perspective than my current. There is no judgment on my part. If you like it and it makes you happy, I love it. More power to you. However, you are likely not the woman for me. I know this is superficial, stereotypical even, but it is what it is so I have no plans to apologize.
As a side note: I judge the woman’s purse because I can generally tell if a purse at least looks expensive. I know nothing about women’s shoes and clothes – they all look the same to me. I know I’m not always going to approach a woman with a purse and even if I do or do not it doesn’t tell me how materialistic or high maintenance she is or is not but it does help narrow down the field. If I miss out on a perfectly good woman because of this standard that will just have to be the way the cards fall.
Like most men, I prefer my life to be as simple and stress free as possible sans the occasional crazy girl that I will date from time to time to spice things up. Therefore, if I can, I will avoid the woman who would rather spend all our money buying out the mall in lieu of paying our bills. So yes, if you would rather spend my/our money on a $500+ purse or shoes or both, when you have credit, school loan, or general debt outstanding, you are likely not the woman for me. This is simply a lesson I have learned over the years, no more, no less. Finding a woman who is more financially aligned with my thinking is simply easier to get along with on a day-to-day basis. This is not to say I could not be with a woman who prefers to purchase the finer things in life rather than maintain a savings account for unforeseen expenses but if it’s up to me, avoid her I will.
Of course, I recognize that to a degree I can’t help who I fall in Love with. If I fall in Love with a name brand obsessed woman, then so be it. I will adjust accordingly. I am actually of the mindset that as long as the bills are paid, my woman can do whatever the hell she wants with the rest of the money (disposable income). This is a true story. You can ask any woman that has seriously dated me. Even when I was broke as hell, what was mine was hers and what was hers was hers.
The main difference between now and young me  is that beforehand I would live outside of my means to make a woman I was with happy; whereas presently, if you are not happy with the money I make you have three options: 1) Get over it. 2) Get a job. 3) Get another man.
For all my hard work, I would prefer to have money in the bank than a brand name purse draped on your arm. I will even go further to say I don’t expect my girlfriend/wife to work as long as she doesn’t expect me to slave day and night to satisfy her wants when her needs are already sufficiently addressed.

Friends with Benefits

I’m sure you have heard of the term “friends with benefits”. Nowadays, with people being extremely open-minded about sexual relationships, it does not really matter anymore if a sexual encounter is with a friend and there are no strings attached to the relationship.
In fact, I know someone who has been doing exactly that. But then, the friend she was sleeping with is now seriously dating another woman. It was only recently that she found out about it and guess what? She feels hurt and finds it hard to accept that he now has someone serious in his life.
With the friends with benefits thingy, you have to be absolutely sure you won’t fall in love with the guy. Because the rule is there is no string attached to this type of relationship, you can’t stop the guy from dating someone else. You can’t expect the relationship to develop into something more meaningful. And you certainly can’t expect that the guy will be your friend with benefits forever. It is going to end one day and when that day comes, you better be prepared to let it go without regrets.
I guess the problem is, as humans, we will develop attachment and feelings to a person we like and is sleeping with. We may think of it as just casual sex at the beginning but not everyone can maintain that indifference when we have slept with the person a few times. After all, if you don’t like the person, you wouldn’t even think of sleeping with him. But if you like him a little and start this friend with benefits relationship, there is every possibility that your feelings will start to deepen for this person over the next several encounters.
So, friends with benefits? You might like to think twice or thrice before you give it a go!

A slap can save your relationship!

I have been holding back over this piece. Each time I thought it was ready to run, my intuition called it back. But my mind was finally made up this last weekend, after I caught myself listening in to one of the local upcountry radio stations. The radio station was holding a talk-show on wife battering.

The show host laboured to assure her audience that women should not be beaten by husbands and lovers; then the unthinkable happened. An elderly female caller, (judging by the tone of her voice) called and asked the host to stop confusing the public. She told off the host that there are certain things that are done specifically to judge a man's reaction.

According to her, the woman doing this irritating thing is hoping that if her husband still cares for her, he will turn around and be so outraged by the irritant that he will unleash a slap on her. On the other hand, according to this lady, if the man has ulterior motives, or is contemplating leaving the relationship, he will not be terribly bothered at all.

By this logic, the woman argued that whereas she does not agree with men who literary kill their wives; women ought to find a way of determining that their men are still interested in them. And according to her the inherent feminine way of doing this is to test her man's interest in the relationship by her actions.

Apparently this testing thing is not new to women. Even at the dating stage studies show that women are known to test their men's patience, often for no reason at all, other than to find out the man's "boiling" point, or whether he really cares about them enough to lose his cool over "nothing".

Many times men fail this test, and that can spell the end of the relationship in the end, if the man comes off as too nice and lacking in backbone. So the next time, you agree to go together for her friend's wedding party at 2:00p.m. and she is still in the bathroom at 2:30p.m. you know what is going on, you are under the test my brother. How you react can determine how long you'll be in this relationship.

Despite what you have heard, women do not see it as cool for a man to lack backbone here, so my dear brother throw your toys and ask her why she is always late. Assure her that you will not accept to be taken for granted if she "misbehaves" like this again. If she is not done with the test, you could soon see her sniffing into a handkerchief, in protest at your "cruelty".

Now if you apologise after this, you have ruined it for all of us. It means that you did not mind being taken for granted and thus you are opening yourself up to be tortured endlessly, and as such my brother you deserve your pain, so eat it bravely. It also means that for such a woman, all men are wimps that deserve to be tortured or de-toothed as some would rather have it.

Of course many women will deny this, but if you take time off to find out how our old men managed to maintain their marriages, you will be shocked at horror stories. For instance, no woman could ever run away from home simply because her husband was too tough and uncompromising. In fact, it is what they expected him to be!

This country is full of corporate women who endure corporal punishment at the hands of their husbands. Many of these women will not say a word about it the next day, but will be cruising nice cars as the rest of us endure the occasional splash of water from the roadsides. Oh, and of course they will assure you how they would just get up and leave their husbands, if they just as much as talked down to them, forget about the slap!

During our youth, there were certain things that we as children could never ask of our fathers, because they had set a certain standard. In case you have your doubts, the situation was the same for their wives as well. Like that caller affirmed, the only woman who ever crossed that barrier was the one trying to find out if the man still cared enough to unleash that slap.

Mr.Potential

I remember being somewhat shy back in the day. Couldn't formulate those slick pick up lines my boys spit out by the dozen. I pretty much depended on my powers of persuasion and observation. Observe the gal from afar, find out her likes and dislikes, befriend then convince her I was the best thing since sliced bread…lol
As I got older my understanding of the opposite sex grew as did my confidence so I didn't have to resort to those Jedi mind tricks too often. I also stayed in my lane. Pretty quiet gals that flew under the radar was my thing. Ya know the kind. Cute enough to try out for the cheer leading team but would rather hang out in the library reading books their parents told them not to read. Yo boy "O" did not waste time chasing chicks that were out of his league. Why? Cause I knew it would damage my ego and kill my confidence besides I wasn't ready for that kind of pressure. You need a certain level of confidence/patience to deal with a beautiful woman.
Fast Forward to today and I’m still trying to explain this kind of logic to these Young Cats I mentor from time to time. The biggest offender of the “SHE GOTTA BE FINE FINE FINE” law is my boy Mr.Potential. He’s intelligent, articulate, but a little average looking. His style of dress can be a little extra, but he likes it so who am I to tell him otherwise. This dude has probably chased soooooo many BLACK women OUT of his league that it’s soured him against them. I read a text from Mr.Potential about two weeks ago stating “Black women don’t know what a good man is so I’m no longer gonna date them. The choices they make for themselves are fucked up” I contemplated what he said and yeah some black women do make dumb ass moves based on emotion instead of good common sense. They’re drawn to these thuggish ruggish types because it makes them feel safe and protected. For others it might be the excitement, but when feeling safe and protected turns into ” This nigga just tried to choke me!” and excitement turns into ” ” they realize a guy like Mr.Potential may not be such a bad idea.
What Mr.Potential fails to realize is that it takes time for Black women to get to this place. So if he continues to chase young video vixens chances are she’s not looking for a Mr.Potential. Now don’t get me wrong this doesn’t mean he still can’t try. He can but he’s gonna have to elevate his game just a little bit. Mr Potential will have to get into the psychology of dating and start doing things The THUG NATION population won’t do. Nice inexpensive restaurants, free live music in the park, and trips to the museum are great ways to convince a Pretty gal that you’re not the average "O". I remember taking a beautiful CAMPUS Graduate to the Zoo. She loved it because it was something she hadn’t done with a guy before. Till this day she doesn’t know I was actually broke , didn’t want to break our date, but knew the Zoo was Free on Wednesdays so I took a chance with only 20k  in my pocket. Which I cashed in for some COMPS…lol
Mr.Potential. A little creativity and patience will go a loooooong way with that beautiful Nubian sista you have your eye on. Don’t let a few mishaps turn you away from them. Some black women have yet to find their way, but they will if YOU promise to lead them in the RIGHT DIRECTION.

It’s not a game

I’m tired of playing games, Why do I have to play these games, Men play too many games.These are all catch phrases I hear from various single women I know. They refuse to play all of them! The younger generation doesn’t know how and the older generation been through so much they’ve thrown in the towel.  Let me say this.  These games you think  are being played on YOU are not games at all. It’s called survival and it’s natural for us to be this way. It’s part of the process. If you don’t get with it YOU will be LEFT behind.
EVERY MAN has been through at least ONE BAAAD relationship that will dictate his dating style. The dude that’s been cheated on will most likely become the boyfriend that cheats or the boyfriend that smothers or worse  BOTH.  I think it’s a little different for women. Their dating style is somehow derived from their childhood. The little girls that watched their mothers use their cookie to get some goodies will eventually do the same thing. The ones that watched their daddy leave or have no daddy at all will usually date dudes waaaay older than them.
I could go on with my analysis but that would require another 250 pages. Ladies start paying attention. Stop looking at your love life like it’s an outer body experience. If your new prospect does something that gives you pause you best believe it’s not a dream. Don’t stand their scratching your head thinking ” This nigga is playing games” NO he’s doing what his last couple of relationships allowed him to do. It’s not a game to him it’s survival. Counteracting his bullshit is not you participating its you surviving in this race for love.
I know it’s  damn near impossible to find a black man of your own never mind a good black man cause the only one left is in the White House…lol  But if you’re gonna pursue JUST them you better develop some IRON MAN armor and treat every interaction as a learning experience and not like THIS COULD BE THE ONE!    If ole boy does something suspect don’t yell, don’t scream process what it is first then if you know its something you can’t live with ” POOF”  disappear, fade to black, in other words do what we do.
Remember a man’s actions especially a black man  are not STUPID  they’re DELIBERATE.

Why Men Don’t Commit

There is nothing complicated about a man, NOTHING. We are not the cold, calculating, robot-like machines some women seem to think we are and if you happen to fall into that group then you are giving us waaay too much credit. About the only thing that might be confused for complication is our simplicity. In fact, when it does come to men I think women simply try to over interpret us, which I can assure you will only lead to misinterpretation. This is never more apparent than in the realm of dating.
I was talking to my girl about the context of this very blog and she had some interesting input from the female perspective. I’ll share two things she said that I feel encompass the overall issue:
“We women can find optimism in the direst of circumstances. We’d rather settle for scraps and be in a relationship instead of finding what we deserve.”
and
“She isn’t going anywhere. So what incentive does he have to be greater when his minimum will yield the same result?”
I don’t know about the first quote personally, because I’m not a woman. I just thought it was interesting. The latter, however, is very true.
I’ll be the first to admit that men put women though a lot of shit. Yet, 9 times out of 10 it’s because you let us. True Story.
I mean you can’t get upset with a man for never committing when he knows you aren’t going anywhere REGARDLESS of if he commits or not. Generally men commit for two reasons: 1) They think they can’t do better and/or 2) They think they might lose you.
Therefore, using the often underused philosophy of common sense, if he 1) thinks he can do better and/or 2) thinks/knows you won’t leave him, chances are he will NEVER commit to you. And yes, most dudes are deftly afraid of commitment, BUT if you can’t inspire him to overcome that fear then you are not the one for him or he is not the one for you. Period.
If you think you’re going to ‘wait a man into commitment’ it is far more likely that you will be waiting forever – and in vain. Here’s why…
Men will date a woman out of convenience with no plans to EVER go beyond that phase with that woman. Now, if you’re content with being a woman of convenience, then more power to ya – but if you want a commitment from THAT dude, you got a problem.
If you’re giving a man sex, affection, love, etc. etc. – essentially giving away the milk, the cow and the whole damn farm for free then he will date you, excuse me while I quote from The Sandlot here: “FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER” without any thought or plan to commit to you, let alone marry you. In fact, it is QUITE possible that when he is ready for that type of relationship it will not be with you.
Ladies I know you might believe he loves you and maybe he does, but love and commitment are not mutually exclusive. So let me state this frankly: a man can love you without planning to marry you. If you’re content with that, great! But if you want more than a stated “I Love You,” cuddling, time spent together, sex and midnight love dedications on the radio, then at some point you’re going to have to speak up.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums but I will admit they get results because the outcome is clearly defined. Do X by Y-time or Z will happen. The problem is when it comes to dating most people don’t firmly commit to Z when X and Y fail to happen.
That’s why you should never – and for emphasis let me repeat that – NEVER, tell a man you’re going to leave him and then don’t leave (or leave and comeback). This tells us we can get away with everything just shy of placing a Chuck Norris styled roundhouse kick to your mother’s medulla oblongata and you aren’t going ANYwhere. There is nothing more dangerous than a man who realizes he can tell you the truth without repercussion. e.g. “I will never marry you.” After you have told him that you want to get married.
Basically if you ever plan on being someone’s partner – girlfriend, wife, or other – say what you mean and mean what you say AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH if you want a clear commitment sometime before a quarter to never. Otherwise the only person you can really blame is the woman in the mirror, but if you disagree and it makes you feel better and sleep easier at night then feel free to blame everyone else but yourself because we can all see how effective that’s been

Who’s Responsible For Bad S*x?

So who’s fault is it when there’s bad sex?
Every woman reading this post just said, “The guy!” And in some cases, that is true. But ladies, it can be your fault too.
It takes two to tango, but when the tango isn’t any good, someone has to take the blame. A lot of what needs to happen for any love making to occur depends on the man’s ability to “perform”, but once he’s literally keeping up his end of the bargain, the woman does have some duties to fulfill to make said tango work. Some guys will tell you all a woman has to do is lay there, but for the most part every guy likes a woman that knows what she’s doing.
I don’t think some women take their role or responsibility in making sex good seriously enough, therefore if the sex is bad, it’s automatically his fault. A man’s ego enables this thought, because when the sex is great, he’s running all over the room beating his chests and C-walking like Tyrese. Using the tango analogy, while it may be a man’s role to lead the dance, not too many guys can dance too well carrying around dead weight, or leading someone that just can’t seem to get the steps down.
If a woman is accused of just laying there, the response usually is “Well, do something to make me not just lay there…”. And in most cases, that’s true, everyone needs a little stimulation. But what about the woman that always just lays there? Just lays down, expecting the man to climb on her and finish his business. She’s not necessarily waiting for it to be over because it’s bad, she’s just always waiting for it to be over so she can  roll over and go to sleep. It’s not like you need to do all 86 things on those crappy Cosmo lists (which is usually 12 or 13 things worded different ways), but there’s a few things that you can do to make everything go smoothly. After all, only Jesus can raise the dead.
This goes beyond good head, because usually a dude can overlook “OK” head if the sex is good or great. (And of course, no head at all means sex isn’t happening.) Good sex doesn’t always boil down to pure sexual ability, but the ability to be in tune with your partners needs and use that sexual ability to meet those needs. Just having a vagina doesn’t qualify as being in tune with a guys needs. That little dandy of a trick that used to work in college probably won’t work the people you’re meeting these days. The same way men are expected to know how to use their equipment, women should be held to that same standard, and be ready to take a look in the mirror if the sex isn’t exactly where it needs to be.
I’ve clearly glossed over the fact that one contributing factor to a bad sexual experience rests could rest on size, but since women have been known to say size doesn’t matter, I’ll just pretend it doesn’t for the purposes of this post. Besides, if he’s on the smaller side, just laying there isn’t going to make it grow.
So…who’s responsibility is it to make the bed rock? How much of the responsibility falls on the woman’s shoulders? Is the “she just layed there” excuse a cop out?

The Arrogance of Men: Why We Walk Away from Love

A friend asked me a simple question not too long ago. “Why didn’t you marry [name redacted]?” I didn’t have a good answer. Don’t get me wrong, the girl he was referring to wasn’t perfect. In fact, she was far from it – but I did Love her, a lot. I’ve come to realize I still do. More than likely, I always will. So, why didn’t I marry her? Or any number of other perfectly good, marriage worthy women over the years? I thought about this for a long time and I realized it’s because I am arrogant when it comes to Love.
I’ve only been in a handful of serious, committed relationships. I’ve considered marrying an even smaller group of those women but when the time comes for me to “put a ring on it” I always find reasons not to, perhaps excuses is a better word. I think my exes would prefer excuses.

“It’s me not you, the timing isn’t right, I’m not ready for that type of commitment…”

There’s always something stopping me. I thought I had perfectly logical reasons for not committing, and to a degree I did, but I have come to realize that the main thing stopping me from committing to any one of these perfectly good women is an underlying and equally undeniable arrogance. What is that arrogance? My ace in the hole? My greatest fall back of all fall backs?
The belief that I can and will fall in Love at a time and place of my choosing.
This means no matter how deep in Love I am, how good these women made me feel, how near-perfect the relationship seemed, if the timing wasn’t right – and it hasn’t been – I always believed that if we didn’t work out I would be able to fall in Love again. In other words, my ultimate back-up plan is the belief that, if necessary, I will be able to recreate the Love we built with another woman.
Whether I’m right or wrong, perception is reality. I have created, quite possibly, a false sense of security. In my arrogance, I have essentially convinced myself that I can fall in Love when it is convenient for me to do so. As if I can snap my fingers and Love will come beckoning when I’m ready for Her, despite the fact that I did not submit when She was ready for me.
I didn’t pull this belief out of thin air. A portion of falling in Love, for me anyway, is the decision to allow myself to fall. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes I fall in Love unexpectedly. Other times I’m in Love and I don’t even realize it. Most women will refute all of this by saying, “You just haven’t met the right woman, yet.” That may be true but I doubt it.
Switching back to reality, I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t believe there is one woman out there for me. In fact, I believe there are a number of woman, quite possibly limitless, that I would, at minimum, be compatible with. Therefore, I am not searching for ‘The One’ more than I need to meet A Good One, when the time is right. Who knows, I could be wrong. I could get up from writing this very blog and run into a girl in the stairwell, our eyes lock, and I feel the overwhelming need to marry her.
However, when I look back at the relationships that came the closest to becoming engagements, I realize they had one common denominator in their failure to reach the altar, me. I know what I would like to accomplish as a man – a single man in this instance – before I take a wife. This is not to say I will accomplish everything on the list. Although, I am closer than I have ever been before.
While I agree with this logic, I don’t see marriage as the end all be all. I have goals that I would like to accomplish as a man, as an individual and I imagine I will have different goals I will want to accomplish as a man, as a husband, as a couple. It is not to say the two won’t have areas that overlap but for the most part, they are completely separate. I would not ask or even expect a woman to wait for me to finish list number one (single WIM) before moving on to list number two (married WIM), especially without a guarantee (such as a ring) that they will be a part of the period of life covered in list number two.
In practice, most of the women eventually left – some of which I still talk to as friends – out of frustration. They gave up and I don’t blame them. It’s not that we didn’t have the same goals. We had the same goals but on different timelines.
I  have essentially taken a chance on passing up current Love in pursuit of current goals in the belief that there will be an opportunity for future Love, when I choose, not when it is dictated to me because it coincides with someone else’s life plan other than my own. For myself – and men like me – we are clearly hedging our bets, which begets the obvious question:

But what if we’re wrong?

Testing

8 Things Women Just Don’t Get

1. Our phones are rarely ever on full-sound alert and not always attached to our bodies.

One of the most irritating and perhaps most commonly asked questions by a significant other is “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” The answer is simple. We often keep our phones on vibrate or silent, and it’s not necessarily because we’re in the streets sliding off with your homegirl. Additionally, we do not keep them at our hips waiting for your call or your text message 24/7. If it is absolutely critical that you get a hold of us at that very moment, be creative. Calling 14 times in a row or sending a “where the f*ck are you?” text every 2 minutes won’t make us hear the vibration any quicker.

2. We don’t like talking on the phone

A major part of the reason our phones are usually no where to be found is because we hate talking on them.  This is also the same reason that the landline jack doesn’t have an answering machine, cuz if you can’t leave a message, it’s practically like your phone call never happened, which saves us the hassle of returning calls.  And don’t think it’s just you we don’t like talking to on the phone. Well, maybe it is you but we also don’t like talking to our parents, other loved ones, homeboys, telemarketers…no one.  Even if Jesus called, we’d probably tell him to just shoot us an e-mail.  Have you ever walked in on your man on a Sunday with the phone stuck to his ear talking to his homeboy about AP’s new cleats?  Doubt it.  Unless your man lives or is from Atlanta or DC, then maybe. (Yea, we said it.)

3. Just because we’re not clapping our hands rapidly and nodding aggressively at every word doesn’t mean we’re not listening.

Quite honestly, if we did nod our heads aggressively and clap our hands rapidly, that would be kinda gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if we are dating you, you don’t want us to be gay. Just understand that we listen differently and that if you want to keep our attention, don’t keep going on tangents.  Keep in mind, timing is everything.  Typically, Sunday is not one of our listening days.   Love ya.

4. Seriously, I do love you.

No matter the stage of the relationship, there comes a time in every man’s life when his boo claims that he doesn’t show enough affection, which if you translate back into woman-speak really means “You don’t reciprocate enough.”  Just because he doesn’t shoot you back an “xo” at the end of every text or end every call with “I miss you/I love you” does not mean he doesn’t feel that way.  It just means that he has a Y chromosome.  If I had a nickel for everytime I heard my dad tell my mom “I love you”…well, I’d probably owe the nickel guy some money.  And don’t “test” him by doing it when you know his boys or other women are around.  That’s a demerit.

5. When we say don’t move, that means don’t move.

Now we understand that y’all like to feel a sense of accomplishment when it comes (hehe) to making your man or eff buddy blast off. However, you must understand that there are a certain number of strokes we need to get to before we authorize the deployment of the troops. We don’t speak in opposites like you do. So when we say don’t move or slow down, DO NOT speed up. Though the nut will feel great, we’ll just have to mark the encounter as an incomplete and document the inability to listen in your personnel file. Would you like it if the bus came early (hehe again) and you flagged it to slow down and the driver sped up and left you there? Well then.

6. We like head.

This can not be said or written about enough. We like it, so you should at least act like you like it too. And if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, chug ‘em.

7. Our booboo will always stink.

No point in asking what we ate or what we’re doing in the bathroom. Just know that it will stink and that you really shouldn’t go in there for 10 minutes even if we did spray before we walked out.

8. You can’t be our everything 24/7.

We have lives and we have friends. We also have preferences on what we enjoy. Just because we don’t wanna do what you wanna do doesn’t mean we don’t care about you or that you have decreased significance in our lives. No, I’m not staying home with you while my boys go 

Men, Women And PMS ...

For all its worth, Men and women are very different. One lot shaves the face, the other lot shaves legs. One lot likes the toilet seat up, the other (for some twisted reason) insist they want it down. One lot suffers PMS and the other faces the wrath. PMS makes even the most friendly of women grow two horns, a tail and acquire a new broom to fly on. These are the days of the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he will face hell equal to locking himself in a room full of enthusiastic suicide bombers!

To avoid death OR WORSE these are the rules of engagement for men during PMS.

1) DONT talk to her unless she talked to you. All your answers should start with the word honey.

2) DONT change the TV channel if she is infront of it. It doesn't matter if she is asleep infront of it.

3) DONT ask what's for dinner otherwise it will be your ass for dinner. And no matter what she made, ITS GREAT. It doesn't matter whether it was salt-less pumpkin soup. ITS GREAT!

4) DONT mention PMS at all even by mistake. If you do, you will know why people say it means Psychotic Mood Shift, Pissy Mood Syndrome or Potential Murder Suspect.

5) DONT ask her what she is so worked up about. Trust me, you liked her better the way she was before you said that.

6) YOU are on her side NO MATTER HOW STUPID her argument is. If she tells the waiter the pizza is too round, as far as you are concerned, ITS TOO DAMN ROUND.

7) DONT answer phone calls from any woman unless its your mother and even then, talk to her on loudspeaker. And to be safe, start every sentence with Mother.

8) YOUR DAY WAS GREAT! It doesn't matter if your boss stood on your desk and peed on your head and then invited fellow employees to do the same. YOUR DAY WAS GREAT!

9) UNLESS SHE KISSES YOU, and you are VERY SURE she started it ... and you can feel her tongue in your mouth, DONT TRY TO KISS HER! AND DONT TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE!

10) If you think she is faking PMS, you are signing a death wish. She can fake PMS coz she gets it. You never get so how do you know when she is faking and when she aint? If she says she has PMS, SHE HAS PMS!

And am sure with these few things, you will be safer than most people. Note that I said safer, NOT SAFE. YOU AINT SAFE UNTIL ITS OVER. Try anything else and you will know they called it PMS because mad cow disease was taken.

The height of ....

The height of.....


1) Height of patience : A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

2) Height of desperation: Banana tree falling in the other direction

3) Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls

4) Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in a prostitute's hole

5) Height of Economic growthL: Prostitute complaining of expansion levels

6) Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest

7) Height of coincidence: Earthquake takes place

8) Height of after-shocks: Girl gets cracked baby nine months later!

9) Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall

10) Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw

11) Height of Technology: A condom with a zip

12) Height of Panic: Zip failing halfway through action

13) Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching

14) Height of compounded troubles: Vulture starts pecking his privates!

15) Height of vanity: Climaxing during sex and calling out your own name

What If I Were a Girl?

“Okay, weird title aside, the thought crossed my mind the other evening as I was waiting for the taxi on the way home. I was standing along the road, staring towards the traffic in hopes of seeing a voice signaling my direction the coming of the next taxi. As I was doing this, a woman started walking towards me and the first thing I noticed was her chest. It’s not that I wanted to look at them (instead of her hips), but her coat was wide open, revealing an exquisite and extremely perky pair. 


I’m a guy, sue me. 


Anyway, I tend to study people during my travels, taking note of their body language, mannerisms and what it means (or what I think it means). As soon as this woman and I locked eyes (or her eyes locked in on my eyes on her headlights), her head tilted to the right and I shifted my vision to the right as well (we’re facing each other so my right is her left and vice versa). I see this kind of body language from women all the time on the street when they enter the proximity of a man or a group of men, and I have my theories as to what it means.


Let’s say for instance, a sister is walking down the block and way on the other corner she sees two men walking in her direction, she’s likely to do one of two things: 

• A) Cross the street to avoid any catcalls, unwanted hand/arm grabs or lustful stares. 
• B) She continues on her path but either looks down towards the pavement or to the side as she passes the man/men, avoiding all forms of eye contact. But as soon as she passes the men, her head and vision returns to its regular face-forward position. It never fails. 

The reasons for why she’d cross the street is pretty obvious, so there’s no point going into it. (Just for the slow folks, though, she’s not interested, buddy, so keep it moving’). 


Now, my interpretation of the second option is as follows: Looking down at the ground signifies that a woman is totally and utterly not interested in the man/men she is approaching. So much so that she would rather look down at the blackened gum and sh*t stains on the street than give you an inkling that she is in any way, shape or form interested in striking up a conversation with you. Damn, that’s kind of cold, but, fellas, you have to read the signs.  


Now, a woman looking to the side (in my humble opinion), however, is a little more promising. The fact she’s leaving a slight chance at some peripheral eye contact in this positioning bodes slightly better for your holleration factor (not that I ever do such things). Also, there’s a chance of her appearing sexier by giving you her side profile. Having her head up also exudes a tad more confidence. Does she want you to holler in this situation? Hell if I know, but the lane is more open. At least that’s my interpretation of the body language.  


Now if that was a little hard to follow, here are some footnotes to remember: “Eyes to the side, she ain’t trying to hide, but eyes to the ground, you going to get shot down.” 


Now how does all of this relate to the title of this blog and the idea of if I were a girl? I know it’s a scary thought, because while I make a moderately striking man I’d probably make an atrocious looking female. The point of all this, however, is that if I were in fact an Double Xer (aka a XX chromosome carrier of the species) I’d know for sure if the above theories about female body language were true.  


But I’m just a regular guy so I resorted to having a few honest conversations with my female friends and I think I understand a little bit better why women do the things they do. Fellas, could you imagine having to over-analyze what you wear every time you stepped out the door for fear of attracting too much male attention? I know most women do the sweater around their waist thing not because their waist is cold or they need a place to store their top, but to cover up their ass from our prying eyes. (Doesn’t really matter, though, men are still going to use their X-ray imagination to see what lies below). 


I also understand that most women feel some sort of anxiety when approaching a group of men and rightfully so given the penchant for inappropriate behavior and comments by some members of the booty hawkin’ brotherhood like THIS.  I also know that ladies get annoyed at men staring at their chest 98.3% of the day. So if I were a girl I guess all that would piss me off as well and I’d be the one looking down on the ground or crossing the street at the sight of a any penis carrying member of the species. But I’m not a girl, a woman, a chick or even a boy for that matter, I’m a man—now just imagine if more guys were, too?”