Why Men Don’t Commit

There is nothing complicated about a man, NOTHING. We are not the cold, calculating, robot-like machines some women seem to think we are and if you happen to fall into that group then you are giving us waaay too much credit. About the only thing that might be confused for complication is our simplicity. In fact, when it does come to men I think women simply try to over interpret us, which I can assure you will only lead to misinterpretation. This is never more apparent than in the realm of dating.
I was talking to my girl about the context of this very blog and she had some interesting input from the female perspective. I’ll share two things she said that I feel encompass the overall issue:
“We women can find optimism in the direst of circumstances. We’d rather settle for scraps and be in a relationship instead of finding what we deserve.”
and
“She isn’t going anywhere. So what incentive does he have to be greater when his minimum will yield the same result?”
I don’t know about the first quote personally, because I’m not a woman. I just thought it was interesting. The latter, however, is very true.
I’ll be the first to admit that men put women though a lot of shit. Yet, 9 times out of 10 it’s because you let us. True Story.
I mean you can’t get upset with a man for never committing when he knows you aren’t going anywhere REGARDLESS of if he commits or not. Generally men commit for two reasons: 1) They think they can’t do better and/or 2) They think they might lose you.
Therefore, using the often underused philosophy of common sense, if he 1) thinks he can do better and/or 2) thinks/knows you won’t leave him, chances are he will NEVER commit to you. And yes, most dudes are deftly afraid of commitment, BUT if you can’t inspire him to overcome that fear then you are not the one for him or he is not the one for you. Period.
If you think you’re going to ‘wait a man into commitment’ it is far more likely that you will be waiting forever – and in vain. Here’s why…
Men will date a woman out of convenience with no plans to EVER go beyond that phase with that woman. Now, if you’re content with being a woman of convenience, then more power to ya – but if you want a commitment from THAT dude, you got a problem.
If you’re giving a man sex, affection, love, etc. etc. – essentially giving away the milk, the cow and the whole damn farm for free then he will date you, excuse me while I quote from The Sandlot here: “FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER, FOR-EVER” without any thought or plan to commit to you, let alone marry you. In fact, it is QUITE possible that when he is ready for that type of relationship it will not be with you.
Ladies I know you might believe he loves you and maybe he does, but love and commitment are not mutually exclusive. So let me state this frankly: a man can love you without planning to marry you. If you’re content with that, great! But if you want more than a stated “I Love You,” cuddling, time spent together, sex and midnight love dedications on the radio, then at some point you’re going to have to speak up.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums but I will admit they get results because the outcome is clearly defined. Do X by Y-time or Z will happen. The problem is when it comes to dating most people don’t firmly commit to Z when X and Y fail to happen.
That’s why you should never – and for emphasis let me repeat that – NEVER, tell a man you’re going to leave him and then don’t leave (or leave and comeback). This tells us we can get away with everything just shy of placing a Chuck Norris styled roundhouse kick to your mother’s medulla oblongata and you aren’t going ANYwhere. There is nothing more dangerous than a man who realizes he can tell you the truth without repercussion. e.g. “I will never marry you.” After you have told him that you want to get married.
Basically if you ever plan on being someone’s partner – girlfriend, wife, or other – say what you mean and mean what you say AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH if you want a clear commitment sometime before a quarter to never. Otherwise the only person you can really blame is the woman in the mirror, but if you disagree and it makes you feel better and sleep easier at night then feel free to blame everyone else but yourself because we can all see how effective that’s been

Who’s Responsible For Bad S*x?

So who’s fault is it when there’s bad sex?
Every woman reading this post just said, “The guy!” And in some cases, that is true. But ladies, it can be your fault too.
It takes two to tango, but when the tango isn’t any good, someone has to take the blame. A lot of what needs to happen for any love making to occur depends on the man’s ability to “perform”, but once he’s literally keeping up his end of the bargain, the woman does have some duties to fulfill to make said tango work. Some guys will tell you all a woman has to do is lay there, but for the most part every guy likes a woman that knows what she’s doing.
I don’t think some women take their role or responsibility in making sex good seriously enough, therefore if the sex is bad, it’s automatically his fault. A man’s ego enables this thought, because when the sex is great, he’s running all over the room beating his chests and C-walking like Tyrese. Using the tango analogy, while it may be a man’s role to lead the dance, not too many guys can dance too well carrying around dead weight, or leading someone that just can’t seem to get the steps down.
If a woman is accused of just laying there, the response usually is “Well, do something to make me not just lay there…”. And in most cases, that’s true, everyone needs a little stimulation. But what about the woman that always just lays there? Just lays down, expecting the man to climb on her and finish his business. She’s not necessarily waiting for it to be over because it’s bad, she’s just always waiting for it to be over so she can  roll over and go to sleep. It’s not like you need to do all 86 things on those crappy Cosmo lists (which is usually 12 or 13 things worded different ways), but there’s a few things that you can do to make everything go smoothly. After all, only Jesus can raise the dead.
This goes beyond good head, because usually a dude can overlook “OK” head if the sex is good or great. (And of course, no head at all means sex isn’t happening.) Good sex doesn’t always boil down to pure sexual ability, but the ability to be in tune with your partners needs and use that sexual ability to meet those needs. Just having a vagina doesn’t qualify as being in tune with a guys needs. That little dandy of a trick that used to work in college probably won’t work the people you’re meeting these days. The same way men are expected to know how to use their equipment, women should be held to that same standard, and be ready to take a look in the mirror if the sex isn’t exactly where it needs to be.
I’ve clearly glossed over the fact that one contributing factor to a bad sexual experience rests could rest on size, but since women have been known to say size doesn’t matter, I’ll just pretend it doesn’t for the purposes of this post. Besides, if he’s on the smaller side, just laying there isn’t going to make it grow.
So…who’s responsibility is it to make the bed rock? How much of the responsibility falls on the woman’s shoulders? Is the “she just layed there” excuse a cop out?

The Arrogance of Men: Why We Walk Away from Love

A friend asked me a simple question not too long ago. “Why didn’t you marry [name redacted]?” I didn’t have a good answer. Don’t get me wrong, the girl he was referring to wasn’t perfect. In fact, she was far from it – but I did Love her, a lot. I’ve come to realize I still do. More than likely, I always will. So, why didn’t I marry her? Or any number of other perfectly good, marriage worthy women over the years? I thought about this for a long time and I realized it’s because I am arrogant when it comes to Love.
I’ve only been in a handful of serious, committed relationships. I’ve considered marrying an even smaller group of those women but when the time comes for me to “put a ring on it” I always find reasons not to, perhaps excuses is a better word. I think my exes would prefer excuses.

“It’s me not you, the timing isn’t right, I’m not ready for that type of commitment…”

There’s always something stopping me. I thought I had perfectly logical reasons for not committing, and to a degree I did, but I have come to realize that the main thing stopping me from committing to any one of these perfectly good women is an underlying and equally undeniable arrogance. What is that arrogance? My ace in the hole? My greatest fall back of all fall backs?
The belief that I can and will fall in Love at a time and place of my choosing.
This means no matter how deep in Love I am, how good these women made me feel, how near-perfect the relationship seemed, if the timing wasn’t right – and it hasn’t been – I always believed that if we didn’t work out I would be able to fall in Love again. In other words, my ultimate back-up plan is the belief that, if necessary, I will be able to recreate the Love we built with another woman.
Whether I’m right or wrong, perception is reality. I have created, quite possibly, a false sense of security. In my arrogance, I have essentially convinced myself that I can fall in Love when it is convenient for me to do so. As if I can snap my fingers and Love will come beckoning when I’m ready for Her, despite the fact that I did not submit when She was ready for me.
I didn’t pull this belief out of thin air. A portion of falling in Love, for me anyway, is the decision to allow myself to fall. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes I fall in Love unexpectedly. Other times I’m in Love and I don’t even realize it. Most women will refute all of this by saying, “You just haven’t met the right woman, yet.” That may be true but I doubt it.
Switching back to reality, I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t believe there is one woman out there for me. In fact, I believe there are a number of woman, quite possibly limitless, that I would, at minimum, be compatible with. Therefore, I am not searching for ‘The One’ more than I need to meet A Good One, when the time is right. Who knows, I could be wrong. I could get up from writing this very blog and run into a girl in the stairwell, our eyes lock, and I feel the overwhelming need to marry her.
However, when I look back at the relationships that came the closest to becoming engagements, I realize they had one common denominator in their failure to reach the altar, me. I know what I would like to accomplish as a man – a single man in this instance – before I take a wife. This is not to say I will accomplish everything on the list. Although, I am closer than I have ever been before.
While I agree with this logic, I don’t see marriage as the end all be all. I have goals that I would like to accomplish as a man, as an individual and I imagine I will have different goals I will want to accomplish as a man, as a husband, as a couple. It is not to say the two won’t have areas that overlap but for the most part, they are completely separate. I would not ask or even expect a woman to wait for me to finish list number one (single WIM) before moving on to list number two (married WIM), especially without a guarantee (such as a ring) that they will be a part of the period of life covered in list number two.
In practice, most of the women eventually left – some of which I still talk to as friends – out of frustration. They gave up and I don’t blame them. It’s not that we didn’t have the same goals. We had the same goals but on different timelines.
I  have essentially taken a chance on passing up current Love in pursuit of current goals in the belief that there will be an opportunity for future Love, when I choose, not when it is dictated to me because it coincides with someone else’s life plan other than my own. For myself – and men like me – we are clearly hedging our bets, which begets the obvious question:

But what if we’re wrong?