8 Things Women Just Don’t Get

1. Our phones are rarely ever on full-sound alert and not always attached to our bodies.

One of the most irritating and perhaps most commonly asked questions by a significant other is “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” The answer is simple. We often keep our phones on vibrate or silent, and it’s not necessarily because we’re in the streets sliding off with your homegirl. Additionally, we do not keep them at our hips waiting for your call or your text message 24/7. If it is absolutely critical that you get a hold of us at that very moment, be creative. Calling 14 times in a row or sending a “where the f*ck are you?” text every 2 minutes won’t make us hear the vibration any quicker.

2. We don’t like talking on the phone

A major part of the reason our phones are usually no where to be found is because we hate talking on them.  This is also the same reason that the landline jack doesn’t have an answering machine, cuz if you can’t leave a message, it’s practically like your phone call never happened, which saves us the hassle of returning calls.  And don’t think it’s just you we don’t like talking to on the phone. Well, maybe it is you but we also don’t like talking to our parents, other loved ones, homeboys, telemarketers…no one.  Even if Jesus called, we’d probably tell him to just shoot us an e-mail.  Have you ever walked in on your man on a Sunday with the phone stuck to his ear talking to his homeboy about AP’s new cleats?  Doubt it.  Unless your man lives or is from Atlanta or DC, then maybe. (Yea, we said it.)

3. Just because we’re not clapping our hands rapidly and nodding aggressively at every word doesn’t mean we’re not listening.

Quite honestly, if we did nod our heads aggressively and clap our hands rapidly, that would be kinda gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if we are dating you, you don’t want us to be gay. Just understand that we listen differently and that if you want to keep our attention, don’t keep going on tangents.  Keep in mind, timing is everything.  Typically, Sunday is not one of our listening days.   Love ya.

4. Seriously, I do love you.

No matter the stage of the relationship, there comes a time in every man’s life when his boo claims that he doesn’t show enough affection, which if you translate back into woman-speak really means “You don’t reciprocate enough.”  Just because he doesn’t shoot you back an “xo” at the end of every text or end every call with “I miss you/I love you” does not mean he doesn’t feel that way.  It just means that he has a Y chromosome.  If I had a nickel for everytime I heard my dad tell my mom “I love you”…well, I’d probably owe the nickel guy some money.  And don’t “test” him by doing it when you know his boys or other women are around.  That’s a demerit.

5. When we say don’t move, that means don’t move.

Now we understand that y’all like to feel a sense of accomplishment when it comes (hehe) to making your man or eff buddy blast off. However, you must understand that there are a certain number of strokes we need to get to before we authorize the deployment of the troops. We don’t speak in opposites like you do. So when we say don’t move or slow down, DO NOT speed up. Though the nut will feel great, we’ll just have to mark the encounter as an incomplete and document the inability to listen in your personnel file. Would you like it if the bus came early (hehe again) and you flagged it to slow down and the driver sped up and left you there? Well then.

6. We like head.

This can not be said or written about enough. We like it, so you should at least act like you like it too. And if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, chug ‘em.

7. Our booboo will always stink.

No point in asking what we ate or what we’re doing in the bathroom. Just know that it will stink and that you really shouldn’t go in there for 10 minutes even if we did spray before we walked out.

8. You can’t be our everything 24/7.

We have lives and we have friends. We also have preferences on what we enjoy. Just because we don’t wanna do what you wanna do doesn’t mean we don’t care about you or that you have decreased significance in our lives. No, I’m not staying home with you while my boys go 

Men, Women And PMS ...

For all its worth, Men and women are very different. One lot shaves the face, the other lot shaves legs. One lot likes the toilet seat up, the other (for some twisted reason) insist they want it down. One lot suffers PMS and the other faces the wrath. PMS makes even the most friendly of women grow two horns, a tail and acquire a new broom to fly on. These are the days of the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he will face hell equal to locking himself in a room full of enthusiastic suicide bombers!

To avoid death OR WORSE these are the rules of engagement for men during PMS.

1) DONT talk to her unless she talked to you. All your answers should start with the word honey.

2) DONT change the TV channel if she is infront of it. It doesn't matter if she is asleep infront of it.

3) DONT ask what's for dinner otherwise it will be your ass for dinner. And no matter what she made, ITS GREAT. It doesn't matter whether it was salt-less pumpkin soup. ITS GREAT!

4) DONT mention PMS at all even by mistake. If you do, you will know why people say it means Psychotic Mood Shift, Pissy Mood Syndrome or Potential Murder Suspect.

5) DONT ask her what she is so worked up about. Trust me, you liked her better the way she was before you said that.

6) YOU are on her side NO MATTER HOW STUPID her argument is. If she tells the waiter the pizza is too round, as far as you are concerned, ITS TOO DAMN ROUND.

7) DONT answer phone calls from any woman unless its your mother and even then, talk to her on loudspeaker. And to be safe, start every sentence with Mother.

8) YOUR DAY WAS GREAT! It doesn't matter if your boss stood on your desk and peed on your head and then invited fellow employees to do the same. YOUR DAY WAS GREAT!

9) UNLESS SHE KISSES YOU, and you are VERY SURE she started it ... and you can feel her tongue in your mouth, DONT TRY TO KISS HER! AND DONT TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE!

10) If you think she is faking PMS, you are signing a death wish. She can fake PMS coz she gets it. You never get so how do you know when she is faking and when she aint? If she says she has PMS, SHE HAS PMS!

And am sure with these few things, you will be safer than most people. Note that I said safer, NOT SAFE. YOU AINT SAFE UNTIL ITS OVER. Try anything else and you will know they called it PMS because mad cow disease was taken.

The height of ....

The height of.....


1) Height of patience : A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

2) Height of desperation: Banana tree falling in the other direction

3) Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls

4) Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in a prostitute's hole

5) Height of Economic growthL: Prostitute complaining of expansion levels

6) Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest

7) Height of coincidence: Earthquake takes place

8) Height of after-shocks: Girl gets cracked baby nine months later!

9) Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall

10) Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw

11) Height of Technology: A condom with a zip

12) Height of Panic: Zip failing halfway through action

13) Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching

14) Height of compounded troubles: Vulture starts pecking his privates!

15) Height of vanity: Climaxing during sex and calling out your own name

What If I Were a Girl?

“Okay, weird title aside, the thought crossed my mind the other evening as I was waiting for the taxi on the way home. I was standing along the road, staring towards the traffic in hopes of seeing a voice signaling my direction the coming of the next taxi. As I was doing this, a woman started walking towards me and the first thing I noticed was her chest. It’s not that I wanted to look at them (instead of her hips), but her coat was wide open, revealing an exquisite and extremely perky pair. 


I’m a guy, sue me. 


Anyway, I tend to study people during my travels, taking note of their body language, mannerisms and what it means (or what I think it means). As soon as this woman and I locked eyes (or her eyes locked in on my eyes on her headlights), her head tilted to the right and I shifted my vision to the right as well (we’re facing each other so my right is her left and vice versa). I see this kind of body language from women all the time on the street when they enter the proximity of a man or a group of men, and I have my theories as to what it means.


Let’s say for instance, a sister is walking down the block and way on the other corner she sees two men walking in her direction, she’s likely to do one of two things: 

• A) Cross the street to avoid any catcalls, unwanted hand/arm grabs or lustful stares. 
• B) She continues on her path but either looks down towards the pavement or to the side as she passes the man/men, avoiding all forms of eye contact. But as soon as she passes the men, her head and vision returns to its regular face-forward position. It never fails. 

The reasons for why she’d cross the street is pretty obvious, so there’s no point going into it. (Just for the slow folks, though, she’s not interested, buddy, so keep it moving’). 


Now, my interpretation of the second option is as follows: Looking down at the ground signifies that a woman is totally and utterly not interested in the man/men she is approaching. So much so that she would rather look down at the blackened gum and sh*t stains on the street than give you an inkling that she is in any way, shape or form interested in striking up a conversation with you. Damn, that’s kind of cold, but, fellas, you have to read the signs.  


Now, a woman looking to the side (in my humble opinion), however, is a little more promising. The fact she’s leaving a slight chance at some peripheral eye contact in this positioning bodes slightly better for your holleration factor (not that I ever do such things). Also, there’s a chance of her appearing sexier by giving you her side profile. Having her head up also exudes a tad more confidence. Does she want you to holler in this situation? Hell if I know, but the lane is more open. At least that’s my interpretation of the body language.  


Now if that was a little hard to follow, here are some footnotes to remember: “Eyes to the side, she ain’t trying to hide, but eyes to the ground, you going to get shot down.” 


Now how does all of this relate to the title of this blog and the idea of if I were a girl? I know it’s a scary thought, because while I make a moderately striking man I’d probably make an atrocious looking female. The point of all this, however, is that if I were in fact an Double Xer (aka a XX chromosome carrier of the species) I’d know for sure if the above theories about female body language were true.  


But I’m just a regular guy so I resorted to having a few honest conversations with my female friends and I think I understand a little bit better why women do the things they do. Fellas, could you imagine having to over-analyze what you wear every time you stepped out the door for fear of attracting too much male attention? I know most women do the sweater around their waist thing not because their waist is cold or they need a place to store their top, but to cover up their ass from our prying eyes. (Doesn’t really matter, though, men are still going to use their X-ray imagination to see what lies below). 


I also understand that most women feel some sort of anxiety when approaching a group of men and rightfully so given the penchant for inappropriate behavior and comments by some members of the booty hawkin’ brotherhood like THIS.  I also know that ladies get annoyed at men staring at their chest 98.3% of the day. So if I were a girl I guess all that would piss me off as well and I’d be the one looking down on the ground or crossing the street at the sight of a any penis carrying member of the species. But I’m not a girl, a woman, a chick or even a boy for that matter, I’m a man—now just imagine if more guys were, too?”