Why I Can’t Trust A Woman Who Doesn’t Own Toys

This is one of those posts that I have to tell my mom not to read, and my sister, and any other members of my family. So please, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sis, cousins, if you’ve gotten this far, go to another window please? Please?

As for the rest of you, who aren’t my family, this is a post I’ve wanted to write since the weekend, but been hesitant to do so. The reason: it’s basically something only I would come up with. Well, not only I, most other men might feel a similar way. Matter of fact, when I called up a couple of my boys to bounce the idea off of them, they understood my logic completely. A couple of my female friends also said the thought, though fairly typical of the mind of a man, wasn’t the most absurd thing they’ve ever heard.

So now I’m comfortable enough to break down why I don’t trust women who don’t own toys, and when I say toys, I mean the type only allowed for women 18 and older.

Now, I can’t say a woman who owns toys and my inability to trust her has always been a theory of mine, largely because I’ve never been one to think about whether a woman does or does not one. I just assume most women do. . Remember when I talked about the “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000″? Here’s a reminder. What I basically said back then is it’s all good to own a couple of toys, even the “Terminator 2″ type of toys, but we needn’t bring them out all the time. Some of those things can be, ummm, imposing.

But what boggles my mind is the women who don’t own one at all. Like, seriously. Grown women, who are single (I would consider those who are in a relationship, but I’m not really talking about them today), what gives, because I’m judging.

Men, all men, except liars and virgins, will admit they’re big into self love, but unlike women, we don’t need those prosthetic doohickey thing-a-ma-jigs. Some quality internet, maybe some lotion, a box of tissues, and we’re good. Women, on the other hand, are not so nice with their hands from what I’ve heard. They need something a little bit more, so what’s up with the women aren’t shelling out however much it costs to get that “more” I speak of.

A woman can’t tell me she enjoys getting it in as much as a man does then turn around and tell me she doesn’t own toys. How am I supposed to believe her? Her credibility is shot, because here’s the first thing I think she’s lying about: This idea that she actually enjoys getting it in as much as she says she does. A woman who says she’s a freak but has no aid is like a person telling me they’re prepared for a fire in their apartment, but they don’t own an extinguisher.

I enjoy getting it in as much as I say I do, but sometimes I can’t do that with a woman, which is why I have a pretty damn good Internet signal in my home! That’s how you know I’m telling the truth. But this girl is telling me she loves to get it in and she has nothing there for her to help her when she goes to bed alone at night? Then obviously she doesn’t, right? I mean, what can she possibly know about herself if she hasn’t explored herself? I understand toys are used for fantasy, and from what women tell me, they’re nothing like reality, but I still believe a woman who owns a toy knows a little bit about what she likes than a woman who doesn’t own one.

Here’s what else I believe about women who own toys:

Those women are self-sufficient, capable of getting theirs without the aid of a man. As for the woman who brags about her mythical man-like sex drive but doesn’t own something that can help in her time of need, well I’m just going to assume it’s because she never has a time of need a man can’t demand.

In other words, she’s getting so much of the real thing, the need for a toy is practically obsolete. Now for a woman who is in a relationship, hey, this makes perfect sense. I’ve saved more than a few women some money on the cost of batteries, so I understand. But the women who are single, talking about they need it five times a week, and they don’t own someting that can help them out? Man, I don’t even want to look at their Recent Calls log.

I know both these theories are probably ridiculous, and maybe even slightly offensive, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I really hope what I  just wrote empowers the woman hesitant to make an investment into some sort of pleasure aid. Specifically the single woman out there,  longing for, ummm, that release. Men like me find women who own these things perfectly normal and healthy. I’m cool with it. Just try to avoid buying one of those, “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000″‘s.

Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I’m The One Talking

I know a man, he’s a friend of mine. By any measure we want to use, he is a good man. If we measure the quality of a man by education, he has that in spades. If we measure the quality of a man by physical attractiveness, I have no opinion of him, but as a couple of my ex-girlfriends have said to me, “He’s a good looking guy.” If we want to measure the quality of a man by his career, he has a stable job that involves helping others. If we want to measure the quality of a man by the good that is in his heart, well, he’s one of my best friends for a reason; as a matter of fact, if my sister were single and I had to choose one friend to match her up with, it would be this man. If we want to measure the quality of a man by his relationships with other women, he’s never cheated and never had a one night stand. If we want to measure the quality of man by his willingness to settle down and have a family, he has spoken to me countless times about how he’s ready for that phase in his life.

Did I mention he is single? Yeah, that too.

So having said all that, are any of you ladies interested in meeting this man? Probably so, but unfortunately you won’t. Here’s why.

My friend I speak of is also one of the most reclusive people I know. He’s not socially awkward by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not sociable, if that makes any sense. There’s nothing about him I dislike, but his whole stay-inside-and-when-we-go-out-stand-against-the-wall approach to women really grinds my gears. I tell this brother all the time, “Dude, get up, get out, and get at these women if it’s a woman you want.” But he rarely listens.

In my man’s defense, there’s a lot of men out there just like him. Perfectly eligible bachelors ready to be taken home to meet some woman’s family are everywhere but where they need to be, and yet, women get frustrated with men like me.

To hear a woman tell it, all they’re meeting is men who aren’t ready to settle down, who are only after one thing. This is why they get tired of the club/lounge/bar scene. They don’t want to go to anymore parties because all that’s there are men who are more about one night then they are about one life. And you know what, they’re right.

As Grandmaster Flash once famously said, “It’s like a jungle sometimes.” That is what the social scene is in any city, in any state. It is a jungle, so why get upset when you come across men who are acting like lions, actively pursuing women like they are prey? Want to see us get poached? Call out the reinforcements, men like my boy I just described.

Sorry for the extended metaphor, back to reality…

Women constantly want to talk about where the best places are to meet some good men, but that’s the wrong way to strategize. First of all, are men are good, just in different ways. Secondly, men like me, the ones they’re not looking for, are everywhere. We’re at the club, we’re at church, we’re at the library, we’re at the bar. Ditto for the men who aren’t like me at all. They’re everywhere I am, though some spots less frequently than others. Essentially, nowhere is safe from men like me, and everywhere has some men like my boy.

The issue of where to look pales in comparison to the issue of whom to look for. Take the club for instance. When out at some club looking for a man with the most potential to settle down, start with the guys on the wall. These are the men who are looking for the same thing most women want, but for whatever reason, they’re too shy to speak up. I know that may not sound appealing, but this approach is not demonstrative of their character. In other words, they’re only standing against the wall because they’re not in their element, and we all act a little differently when out of our comfort zones.

For any woman who wants to complain about how all of this sounds like way too much work, you won’t hear an argument out of me. Females need to stop getting upset with guys like me who go out and get exactly what they want, just because what I want isn’t what they want. Instead, their frustration needs to be directed at men like my boy who are sitting at home waiting for women like them. Me, and guys like me, are proactive about getting what they want. The men who want to find women to hook up with go out and get them. Hell, some of them will even be bold enough to say, “I don’t want anything more than this one night.” But how many men out there who are ready to settle down take the same approach with finding a woman to settle down with? When is the last time a man has been bold enough to say to a woman, “I want more than this one night. I want as many nights as we live.”

The men I know who are married, most of them were built for it at a very young age. Recently, I sat down with four of my best friends from high school, two of whom are married. When I thought about our lives now versus the lives we lived in high school, I find it fascinating how much went unchanged. The men who are married are also the same friends who never really went to the high school dances, with the exception of prom. Those of us who aren’t married, practically went to every single dance the school offered. What this said to me is, ultimately, most men get it how they live from a very young age. The type of man who has girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend in high school will probably take years to grow out of such a pattern, whereas the man who only had one girlfriend in high school, will probably repeat that pattern with her or someone else in his years as an adult.

None of this is to say men who want to settle down don’t do as the men who don’t want to settle down. As I have suggested, men who want a woman for one night and men who want a woman for a lifetime can and do co-exist with one another. We hit the same spots together more often than anyone can imagine, it’s just once we get there we’re standing in two different areas. For any woman who wants a guy like me, you can find me on the dance floor in a woman sandwhich or chatting it up at the bar. All those ladies interested in men like my friend who is ready to find Mrs. Right, have you tried the wall yet? Happy hunting.

Dear Future Girlfriend, RE: Facebook Profile Pictures

Since I’m  in a relationship, there are things I want to write about but often can’t because, well, I’m not actually going through it. Anyone who’s followed this blog knows I place a premium on writing about things I’m either going through or have gone through.

But there are some things I want to write about even if I’m not going through them right at this moment. They’re certain issues or points of conversation I’m sure I will have with my girlfriend of the future. I don’t know what she looks like (well, maybe I do). I have no idea what she will bring to the table, and I definitely can’t predict the contentious points of our relationship. but I know at some point I will be in a relationship and at some point, certain things will come up.

What I want to start doing is getting in front of these issues now, before she even comes into my life. We can certainly talk about them at some point, but I do believe these letters I write to her will be a good starting point for the conversation.

So future girlfriend who I don’t know yet, I’m going to need you to read these letters carefully. They’re not all the answers to the test, but they’re definitely a helpful study guide.

Dear Future Girlfriend Whose Name I Don’t Know Yet,

RE: Facebook Profile Pictures

I once dated a girl who was seemingly perfect in every way. This was long before you came into my life. She was a bit of a nag, and kind of seemed like she was in a rush to get into a relationship, especially on Facebook, but outside of those two particular issues, she was awesome; a real gem.

But one day she crossed the line. She decided it would be cool to just post a picture the two of us took on her Facebook profile. and get this, she posted it as her profile picture! When I told her to take it down, she objected. I said she had to take it down, she had no choice. When she asked why, I said because I was through dating her and therefore the picture of us together was nothing more than a lie.

Yeah, I know, I used to be messed up back then.

Anyway, here was my issue with her posting up a picture of us on Facebook as her profile pic:

She was showing off.

She had a lot of friends, on Facbeook that is, and so I knew her profile pic was a carefully maintained vanity project. Shoot, I know mine is and I refuse to let myself be used for the purpose of showing off the fact that they’re in a relationship. If it sounds unreasonable, trust me it isn’t because if anyone knows the art of Facebook profile curating, it’s me.

A couple of years before the girl I just told you about, I was guilty of showing off my happiness to a bunch of people, via Facebook.com/jozenc. There was the vacation I went on with an ex-girlfriend of mine years ago. We went to Cancun, stayed in these plush accommodations, the whole nine. So of course we took a gaggle of pictures. Pictures in our swimsuits, pictures of us chilling together on the beach, eating breakfast, laying by the pool. The very next week, of course I wanted to see the pictures on Facebook, so we posted them up, leaving them on our profiles for the duration of our relationship.

Then there was the ex-girlfriend after her. For years I kept up a couple of pictures we took together on my Facebook profile. Even after we broke up.

But today, all those pictures are gone. What prompted their removal? Well, they say hindsight is 20/20, and when I think back to my motive for posting up those Facebook pictures, I realize all I really wanted to do was show off these pretty girls I was calling my girlfriend. That was it. These girls were the equivalent of a rapper’s platinum chain, and I was the rapper, guilty of lifting them up and holding them up so the whole world can see. In essence, I might as well have been putting my thumbs up to my ears, palms facing the camera, and sticking my tongue out. Posting up those pictures was my way of saying to the world, “Look what I got, suckers!”

Now I’m with you, and trust me when I say, you’re the prettiest woman I have ever dated. I would love to show you off, but can we just settle on posting up our relationship status instead of putting all these pictures of us posing for the cameras? It’s not like I’m hiding the relationship, it’s just, pictures mean a little bit more to me than they used to. Look at the pictures of me and my boys. A lot of those were taken years ago, back when we were into showing off our good times. But we’ve grown out of that, and I hope you have too.

Candids are cool. We can let other people take pictures of us dancing, laughing, hugging,maybe even kissing, but none of this business where we ask one of our friends or complete strangers if they can take a picture of us with some scenic view in the background. I mean, those are okay too, but let’s not post them on Facebook. Instead, let’s frame them up and put them at our desk at work or on the shelves in our apartments. Let’s use them as our wallpaper on our phone. Hell, let’s even use them as each other’s caller ID photo. But outsourcing them to the rest of the world to our Facebook friends, the majority of whom we don’t know? Come on, girl. Let’s not and say we did.

Like I said, I’m not trying to hide what we have, I just want what we have to be what wehave, not what everyone else has on their time lines. Besides, look at the photos of your friends who do post their couple pics all the time. Doesn’t that look corny to you?

I promise you, baby; when we get married, I won’t even hesitate to post up the wedding pics. We’re probably going to hire an expensive photographer to take the pictures, so we might as well. But until that day comes, let’s keep most of the pictures we take to ourselves and our real friends.

Your Man,

obed