What If I Were a Girl?

“Okay, weird title aside, the thought crossed my mind the other evening as I was waiting for the taxi on the way home. I was standing along the road, staring towards the traffic in hopes of seeing a voice signaling my direction the coming of the next taxi. As I was doing this, a woman started walking towards me and the first thing I noticed was her chest. It’s not that I wanted to look at them (instead of her hips), but her coat was wide open, revealing an exquisite and extremely perky pair. 


I’m a guy, sue me. 


Anyway, I tend to study people during my travels, taking note of their body language, mannerisms and what it means (or what I think it means). As soon as this woman and I locked eyes (or her eyes locked in on my eyes on her headlights), her head tilted to the right and I shifted my vision to the right as well (we’re facing each other so my right is her left and vice versa). I see this kind of body language from women all the time on the street when they enter the proximity of a man or a group of men, and I have my theories as to what it means.


Let’s say for instance, a sister is walking down the block and way on the other corner she sees two men walking in her direction, she’s likely to do one of two things: 

• A) Cross the street to avoid any catcalls, unwanted hand/arm grabs or lustful stares. 
• B) She continues on her path but either looks down towards the pavement or to the side as she passes the man/men, avoiding all forms of eye contact. But as soon as she passes the men, her head and vision returns to its regular face-forward position. It never fails. 

The reasons for why she’d cross the street is pretty obvious, so there’s no point going into it. (Just for the slow folks, though, she’s not interested, buddy, so keep it moving’). 


Now, my interpretation of the second option is as follows: Looking down at the ground signifies that a woman is totally and utterly not interested in the man/men she is approaching. So much so that she would rather look down at the blackened gum and sh*t stains on the street than give you an inkling that she is in any way, shape or form interested in striking up a conversation with you. Damn, that’s kind of cold, but, fellas, you have to read the signs.  


Now, a woman looking to the side (in my humble opinion), however, is a little more promising. The fact she’s leaving a slight chance at some peripheral eye contact in this positioning bodes slightly better for your holleration factor (not that I ever do such things). Also, there’s a chance of her appearing sexier by giving you her side profile. Having her head up also exudes a tad more confidence. Does she want you to holler in this situation? Hell if I know, but the lane is more open. At least that’s my interpretation of the body language.  


Now if that was a little hard to follow, here are some footnotes to remember: “Eyes to the side, she ain’t trying to hide, but eyes to the ground, you going to get shot down.” 


Now how does all of this relate to the title of this blog and the idea of if I were a girl? I know it’s a scary thought, because while I make a moderately striking man I’d probably make an atrocious looking female. The point of all this, however, is that if I were in fact an Double Xer (aka a XX chromosome carrier of the species) I’d know for sure if the above theories about female body language were true.  


But I’m just a regular guy so I resorted to having a few honest conversations with my female friends and I think I understand a little bit better why women do the things they do. Fellas, could you imagine having to over-analyze what you wear every time you stepped out the door for fear of attracting too much male attention? I know most women do the sweater around their waist thing not because their waist is cold or they need a place to store their top, but to cover up their ass from our prying eyes. (Doesn’t really matter, though, men are still going to use their X-ray imagination to see what lies below). 


I also understand that most women feel some sort of anxiety when approaching a group of men and rightfully so given the penchant for inappropriate behavior and comments by some members of the booty hawkin’ brotherhood like THIS.  I also know that ladies get annoyed at men staring at their chest 98.3% of the day. So if I were a girl I guess all that would piss me off as well and I’d be the one looking down on the ground or crossing the street at the sight of a any penis carrying member of the species. But I’m not a girl, a woman, a chick or even a boy for that matter, I’m a man—now just imagine if more guys were, too?”