Why I Can’t Trust A Woman Who Doesn’t Own Toys

This is one of those posts that I have to tell my mom not to read, and my sister, and any other members of my family. So please, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sis, cousins, if you’ve gotten this far, go to another window please? Please?

As for the rest of you, who aren’t my family, this is a post I’ve wanted to write since the weekend, but been hesitant to do so. The reason: it’s basically something only I would come up with. Well, not only I, most other men might feel a similar way. Matter of fact, when I called up a couple of my boys to bounce the idea off of them, they understood my logic completely. A couple of my female friends also said the thought, though fairly typical of the mind of a man, wasn’t the most absurd thing they’ve ever heard.

So now I’m comfortable enough to break down why I don’t trust women who don’t own toys, and when I say toys, I mean the type only allowed for women 18 and older.

Now, I can’t say a woman who owns toys and my inability to trust her has always been a theory of mine, largely because I’ve never been one to think about whether a woman does or does not one. I just assume most women do. . Remember when I talked about the “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000″? Here’s a reminder. What I basically said back then is it’s all good to own a couple of toys, even the “Terminator 2″ type of toys, but we needn’t bring them out all the time. Some of those things can be, ummm, imposing.

But what boggles my mind is the women who don’t own one at all. Like, seriously. Grown women, who are single (I would consider those who are in a relationship, but I’m not really talking about them today), what gives, because I’m judging.

Men, all men, except liars and virgins, will admit they’re big into self love, but unlike women, we don’t need those prosthetic doohickey thing-a-ma-jigs. Some quality internet, maybe some lotion, a box of tissues, and we’re good. Women, on the other hand, are not so nice with their hands from what I’ve heard. They need something a little bit more, so what’s up with the women aren’t shelling out however much it costs to get that “more” I speak of.

A woman can’t tell me she enjoys getting it in as much as a man does then turn around and tell me she doesn’t own toys. How am I supposed to believe her? Her credibility is shot, because here’s the first thing I think she’s lying about: This idea that she actually enjoys getting it in as much as she says she does. A woman who says she’s a freak but has no aid is like a person telling me they’re prepared for a fire in their apartment, but they don’t own an extinguisher.

I enjoy getting it in as much as I say I do, but sometimes I can’t do that with a woman, which is why I have a pretty damn good Internet signal in my home! That’s how you know I’m telling the truth. But this girl is telling me she loves to get it in and she has nothing there for her to help her when she goes to bed alone at night? Then obviously she doesn’t, right? I mean, what can she possibly know about herself if she hasn’t explored herself? I understand toys are used for fantasy, and from what women tell me, they’re nothing like reality, but I still believe a woman who owns a toy knows a little bit about what she likes than a woman who doesn’t own one.

Here’s what else I believe about women who own toys:

Those women are self-sufficient, capable of getting theirs without the aid of a man. As for the woman who brags about her mythical man-like sex drive but doesn’t own something that can help in her time of need, well I’m just going to assume it’s because she never has a time of need a man can’t demand.

In other words, she’s getting so much of the real thing, the need for a toy is practically obsolete. Now for a woman who is in a relationship, hey, this makes perfect sense. I’ve saved more than a few women some money on the cost of batteries, so I understand. But the women who are single, talking about they need it five times a week, and they don’t own someting that can help them out? Man, I don’t even want to look at their Recent Calls log.

I know both these theories are probably ridiculous, and maybe even slightly offensive, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I really hope what I  just wrote empowers the woman hesitant to make an investment into some sort of pleasure aid. Specifically the single woman out there,  longing for, ummm, that release. Men like me find women who own these things perfectly normal and healthy. I’m cool with it. Just try to avoid buying one of those, “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000″‘s.