I Got This, Woman:Who Picks Up The Check?

There was a phase I went through where I tried to intellectualize and rationalize the whole idea of men not needing to pay for the first date. I had all sorts of stats about how women were rapidly out earning men, flimsy theories on how by not paying for the first date I was actually demonstrating my support of feminism, and a story about my sister asking if the girl I was going out with on my first date had a job too and when I told her she did, My sister said that means I didn't always have to foot the bill.


You will never hear me bad mouth my sister’s advice, but my two other rationales were the product of an immature mind who just didn't make enough to support the kind of dating habits in which he wanted to indulge. As I got older, I just grew more and more tired of talking about who should pay on the first date and made a firm decision:


Since I’m usually the one who asks for the first date, I will pay. I realized it’s not about what’s right and wrong, it was about what’s fair and unfair.


Fair is ponying up the money for the date I planned.


Unfair is making or expecting a woman contribute to it.


One would think more women would agree with this outright, with no questions asked. But one would be wrong.


A lot of women do this thing where they reach for their clutch or purse as though they are about to hand me some money to go half on the date.


In football, they call the fake hand off, play action. In dating, I call the fake reach, play me. Because she’s obviously trying to play me.


But my counter attack to her move is letting her go through with it. That’s right, I let her search and search for money,take it out of her purse and lay it on the tray or in the sleeve right next to mine on top of the bill.


I call that move the “played yourself.”


Because she just played herself by acting like she was going to pay when she had no intention of doing so. There’s a time and a way to be polite, when the bill comes is not the time nor the way.


If a woman is offering to pay for her half of the date, I take that as disinterest in seeing me again or seeing me romantically, and in both those cases I’m perfectly fine with letting her pay for half of our date.


But I have heard some woman say they only do this to test a man, to see where his head is at. When they reach, it’s just for show.


Let a woman give me the test and I’m going to fail every single time with no shame whatsoever.


Offering to go half on a date when she knows she will judge me negatively for accepting, is like her showing me the condoms in her purse, and saying I’m a pervert when I start getting undressed.


So please ladies, don’t offer to pay half on the first date, don’t reach for your purse. Common sense would tell you that’s not common courtesy, that’s some fake reverse-chivalry a woman made up to impress a man or a passive aggressive way to demonstrate your lack of interest, and any man who holds not reaching against you is reaching for reasons not to like you.


I am more than happy to pay for our first date. Tip included. If I asked, I don’t need your charity, unless you insist on helping out a friend.

Angry Black Woman

The idea that all men are the same is a huge generalization that could potentially put many women in a box —one labelled “Angry Black Woman.” Of course there are men that are only out for what’s between a woman’s legs, that believe marriage is BS and are pathological liars, but not everyone with a pair of nuts is a dog. I believe there are good men (and women) out there, it’s just a matter of actually finding them or them finding you.
Is that as easy as it sounds? Hell no! Not with all the assholes most women keeps coming across, but there’s no set time or place that the stars will align for your perfect match. It sucks to all hell, but, unfortunately, all’s fair in love and war.
If all you’re meeting are men who only want to talk about sex or always want you to degrade yourself for them or wants you to open your legs and give them control over your body, you’re just dealing with the wrong men—or should I say boys. Clearly, these individuals are not right for you, and probably not many women, so thankfully most women have had  enough smarts to not fall for the BS and kept it moving.
But at what cost?
It sounds like some sister has given up on love—and men altogether. I mean, they talk about having all men jumping into a “live volcano” and then co-signed brothers getting their property trashed or burned and even having them shot, stabbed and beat to death.
I understand being upset, but this is not the mind state a man—good or bad—will be drawn to. I’m real big on people’s energy and if your aura is negative I’m going to pick up on that.
It’s not cute and it’s definitely not sexy.
Now, I’m not saying to pretend to be someone or something you’re not. No one can ever see their future clearly if they’re constantly looking at their past. So what you met a few dozen assholes, that doesn’t mean the next (or even the third) guy will be the same. You can’t force someone to be right for you. They either are or they aren’t.
The bigger question is are you right for anyone?
There comes a point when we all have to take a hard look at ourselves. Some sisters say they  don’t have to dress sexy to attract a man so I’ll assume they are attractive, but sometimes that’s not enough.
I’ve known some of the most beautiful people that were ugly on the inside and vice versa. It all goes back to energy. Being angry at every man you meet because of what some other brother(s) that he doesn’t even know doesn’t do anything but put walls up. Shielding your heart from pain is one thing, but trapping it in a lock box and burying it under the castle is another.
To those who think: “I will give a man a chance, I just won't give them a pass.”
I really wonder how true that is. Based off of what I hear, I doubt very much any man truly has a shot at being with many of you(sisters). It sounds like a brother could cross is eyes wrong and get “sent packing.”
Don’t get me wrong, I think every woman should demand and receive respect but being angry isn’t how you get respect or a man.

Name Brand Purses and women

I avoid approaching women carrying name brand purses. Let me rephrase, if at all possible, I avoid approaching women carrying name brand purses. This means if I see two equally attractive women or even if one woman is more attractive than the other but one is holding a name brand purse and the other is not, I will approach the purse-less woman.
While I know a number of women are already offended, this is not an attack on women who like name brand purses. I don’t know you like that. I feel like my preference is no different than women who prefer taller men. There is nothing wrong with short men (I think) you just prefer to date taller men. The whole point of having preferences is to discriminate based on what are often superficial attributes that over the years you have grown to prefer or learned to avoid. Such is life. Contrary to your kids’ summer sports leagues where everyone gets a trophy, in real life, we can’t all be winners.
Due to a couple personal experiences in my lifetime, I am a little bit  more money conscious than the average man. It’s not that I can’t afford nice things, I can. I make what I would describe as decent money. I’m not rich. I’m not poor. I, however, have learned to know my limitations when it comes to the women I date.
Back in the day,  I know of a friend  who was often the best-dressed guy in the club. Unfortunately, he was often the brokest guy in the club, too. he  looked good as hell but if you wanted him to buy you a drink – which he didn’t do anyway but let’s say he did – you would have been s*** out of luck. he was living check to check, yet he was always able to find enough money to get into the club with a brand new outfit. His priorities were messed up and he wasn’t alone; so were those of the women he dated. Too often, the two were more concerned with looking like we had money than actually accumulating money. We felt overwhelmingly compelled to look rich instead of trying to be rich. Technically, there is nothing wrong with this life style.
But, it is not the life for me
I still spend my money on frivolous items from time to time but I am a lot more financially aware than then. I am also far more concerned with reality rather than perception. I prefer to have money than look like I have money.
As such, I have grown to avoid the name brand purse carrying women of the world. In my experience, a good percentage of these women are more concerned with living the lifestyle of my former perspective than my current. There is no judgment on my part. If you like it and it makes you happy, I love it. More power to you. However, you are likely not the woman for me. I know this is superficial, stereotypical even, but it is what it is so I have no plans to apologize.
As a side note: I judge the woman’s purse because I can generally tell if a purse at least looks expensive. I know nothing about women’s shoes and clothes – they all look the same to me. I know I’m not always going to approach a woman with a purse and even if I do or do not it doesn’t tell me how materialistic or high maintenance she is or is not but it does help narrow down the field. If I miss out on a perfectly good woman because of this standard that will just have to be the way the cards fall.
Like most men, I prefer my life to be as simple and stress free as possible sans the occasional crazy girl that I will date from time to time to spice things up. Therefore, if I can, I will avoid the woman who would rather spend all our money buying out the mall in lieu of paying our bills. So yes, if you would rather spend my/our money on a $500+ purse or shoes or both, when you have credit, school loan, or general debt outstanding, you are likely not the woman for me. This is simply a lesson I have learned over the years, no more, no less. Finding a woman who is more financially aligned with my thinking is simply easier to get along with on a day-to-day basis. This is not to say I could not be with a woman who prefers to purchase the finer things in life rather than maintain a savings account for unforeseen expenses but if it’s up to me, avoid her I will.
Of course, I recognize that to a degree I can’t help who I fall in Love with. If I fall in Love with a name brand obsessed woman, then so be it. I will adjust accordingly. I am actually of the mindset that as long as the bills are paid, my woman can do whatever the hell she wants with the rest of the money (disposable income). This is a true story. You can ask any woman that has seriously dated me. Even when I was broke as hell, what was mine was hers and what was hers was hers.
The main difference between now and young me  is that beforehand I would live outside of my means to make a woman I was with happy; whereas presently, if you are not happy with the money I make you have three options: 1) Get over it. 2) Get a job. 3) Get another man.
For all my hard work, I would prefer to have money in the bank than a brand name purse draped on your arm. I will even go further to say I don’t expect my girlfriend/wife to work as long as she doesn’t expect me to slave day and night to satisfy her wants when her needs are already sufficiently addressed.

Friends with Benefits

I’m sure you have heard of the term “friends with benefits”. Nowadays, with people being extremely open-minded about sexual relationships, it does not really matter anymore if a sexual encounter is with a friend and there are no strings attached to the relationship.
In fact, I know someone who has been doing exactly that. But then, the friend she was sleeping with is now seriously dating another woman. It was only recently that she found out about it and guess what? She feels hurt and finds it hard to accept that he now has someone serious in his life.
With the friends with benefits thingy, you have to be absolutely sure you won’t fall in love with the guy. Because the rule is there is no string attached to this type of relationship, you can’t stop the guy from dating someone else. You can’t expect the relationship to develop into something more meaningful. And you certainly can’t expect that the guy will be your friend with benefits forever. It is going to end one day and when that day comes, you better be prepared to let it go without regrets.
I guess the problem is, as humans, we will develop attachment and feelings to a person we like and is sleeping with. We may think of it as just casual sex at the beginning but not everyone can maintain that indifference when we have slept with the person a few times. After all, if you don’t like the person, you wouldn’t even think of sleeping with him. But if you like him a little and start this friend with benefits relationship, there is every possibility that your feelings will start to deepen for this person over the next several encounters.
So, friends with benefits? You might like to think twice or thrice before you give it a go!

A slap can save your relationship!

I have been holding back over this piece. Each time I thought it was ready to run, my intuition called it back. But my mind was finally made up this last weekend, after I caught myself listening in to one of the local upcountry radio stations. The radio station was holding a talk-show on wife battering.

The show host laboured to assure her audience that women should not be beaten by husbands and lovers; then the unthinkable happened. An elderly female caller, (judging by the tone of her voice) called and asked the host to stop confusing the public. She told off the host that there are certain things that are done specifically to judge a man's reaction.

According to her, the woman doing this irritating thing is hoping that if her husband still cares for her, he will turn around and be so outraged by the irritant that he will unleash a slap on her. On the other hand, according to this lady, if the man has ulterior motives, or is contemplating leaving the relationship, he will not be terribly bothered at all.

By this logic, the woman argued that whereas she does not agree with men who literary kill their wives; women ought to find a way of determining that their men are still interested in them. And according to her the inherent feminine way of doing this is to test her man's interest in the relationship by her actions.

Apparently this testing thing is not new to women. Even at the dating stage studies show that women are known to test their men's patience, often for no reason at all, other than to find out the man's "boiling" point, or whether he really cares about them enough to lose his cool over "nothing".

Many times men fail this test, and that can spell the end of the relationship in the end, if the man comes off as too nice and lacking in backbone. So the next time, you agree to go together for her friend's wedding party at 2:00p.m. and she is still in the bathroom at 2:30p.m. you know what is going on, you are under the test my brother. How you react can determine how long you'll be in this relationship.

Despite what you have heard, women do not see it as cool for a man to lack backbone here, so my dear brother throw your toys and ask her why she is always late. Assure her that you will not accept to be taken for granted if she "misbehaves" like this again. If she is not done with the test, you could soon see her sniffing into a handkerchief, in protest at your "cruelty".

Now if you apologise after this, you have ruined it for all of us. It means that you did not mind being taken for granted and thus you are opening yourself up to be tortured endlessly, and as such my brother you deserve your pain, so eat it bravely. It also means that for such a woman, all men are wimps that deserve to be tortured or de-toothed as some would rather have it.

Of course many women will deny this, but if you take time off to find out how our old men managed to maintain their marriages, you will be shocked at horror stories. For instance, no woman could ever run away from home simply because her husband was too tough and uncompromising. In fact, it is what they expected him to be!

This country is full of corporate women who endure corporal punishment at the hands of their husbands. Many of these women will not say a word about it the next day, but will be cruising nice cars as the rest of us endure the occasional splash of water from the roadsides. Oh, and of course they will assure you how they would just get up and leave their husbands, if they just as much as talked down to them, forget about the slap!

During our youth, there were certain things that we as children could never ask of our fathers, because they had set a certain standard. In case you have your doubts, the situation was the same for their wives as well. Like that caller affirmed, the only woman who ever crossed that barrier was the one trying to find out if the man still cared enough to unleash that slap.

Mr.Potential

I remember being somewhat shy back in the day. Couldn't formulate those slick pick up lines my boys spit out by the dozen. I pretty much depended on my powers of persuasion and observation. Observe the gal from afar, find out her likes and dislikes, befriend then convince her I was the best thing since sliced bread…lol
As I got older my understanding of the opposite sex grew as did my confidence so I didn't have to resort to those Jedi mind tricks too often. I also stayed in my lane. Pretty quiet gals that flew under the radar was my thing. Ya know the kind. Cute enough to try out for the cheer leading team but would rather hang out in the library reading books their parents told them not to read. Yo boy "O" did not waste time chasing chicks that were out of his league. Why? Cause I knew it would damage my ego and kill my confidence besides I wasn't ready for that kind of pressure. You need a certain level of confidence/patience to deal with a beautiful woman.
Fast Forward to today and I’m still trying to explain this kind of logic to these Young Cats I mentor from time to time. The biggest offender of the “SHE GOTTA BE FINE FINE FINE” law is my boy Mr.Potential. He’s intelligent, articulate, but a little average looking. His style of dress can be a little extra, but he likes it so who am I to tell him otherwise. This dude has probably chased soooooo many BLACK women OUT of his league that it’s soured him against them. I read a text from Mr.Potential about two weeks ago stating “Black women don’t know what a good man is so I’m no longer gonna date them. The choices they make for themselves are fucked up” I contemplated what he said and yeah some black women do make dumb ass moves based on emotion instead of good common sense. They’re drawn to these thuggish ruggish types because it makes them feel safe and protected. For others it might be the excitement, but when feeling safe and protected turns into ” This nigga just tried to choke me!” and excitement turns into ” ” they realize a guy like Mr.Potential may not be such a bad idea.
What Mr.Potential fails to realize is that it takes time for Black women to get to this place. So if he continues to chase young video vixens chances are she’s not looking for a Mr.Potential. Now don’t get me wrong this doesn’t mean he still can’t try. He can but he’s gonna have to elevate his game just a little bit. Mr Potential will have to get into the psychology of dating and start doing things The THUG NATION population won’t do. Nice inexpensive restaurants, free live music in the park, and trips to the museum are great ways to convince a Pretty gal that you’re not the average "O". I remember taking a beautiful CAMPUS Graduate to the Zoo. She loved it because it was something she hadn’t done with a guy before. Till this day she doesn’t know I was actually broke , didn’t want to break our date, but knew the Zoo was Free on Wednesdays so I took a chance with only 20k  in my pocket. Which I cashed in for some COMPS…lol
Mr.Potential. A little creativity and patience will go a loooooong way with that beautiful Nubian sista you have your eye on. Don’t let a few mishaps turn you away from them. Some black women have yet to find their way, but they will if YOU promise to lead them in the RIGHT DIRECTION.

It’s not a game

I’m tired of playing games, Why do I have to play these games, Men play too many games.These are all catch phrases I hear from various single women I know. They refuse to play all of them! The younger generation doesn’t know how and the older generation been through so much they’ve thrown in the towel.  Let me say this.  These games you think  are being played on YOU are not games at all. It’s called survival and it’s natural for us to be this way. It’s part of the process. If you don’t get with it YOU will be LEFT behind.
EVERY MAN has been through at least ONE BAAAD relationship that will dictate his dating style. The dude that’s been cheated on will most likely become the boyfriend that cheats or the boyfriend that smothers or worse  BOTH.  I think it’s a little different for women. Their dating style is somehow derived from their childhood. The little girls that watched their mothers use their cookie to get some goodies will eventually do the same thing. The ones that watched their daddy leave or have no daddy at all will usually date dudes waaaay older than them.
I could go on with my analysis but that would require another 250 pages. Ladies start paying attention. Stop looking at your love life like it’s an outer body experience. If your new prospect does something that gives you pause you best believe it’s not a dream. Don’t stand their scratching your head thinking ” This nigga is playing games” NO he’s doing what his last couple of relationships allowed him to do. It’s not a game to him it’s survival. Counteracting his bullshit is not you participating its you surviving in this race for love.
I know it’s  damn near impossible to find a black man of your own never mind a good black man cause the only one left is in the White House…lol  But if you’re gonna pursue JUST them you better develop some IRON MAN armor and treat every interaction as a learning experience and not like THIS COULD BE THE ONE!    If ole boy does something suspect don’t yell, don’t scream process what it is first then if you know its something you can’t live with ” POOF”  disappear, fade to black, in other words do what we do.
Remember a man’s actions especially a black man  are not STUPID  they’re DELIBERATE.